A walk that taught me "now"
When I mean a walk, it was a legitimate walk; only strides that my leg wanted to take. All these years being in my head and in a society that constantly praises the fast, I legitimately forgot to slow down. Today was not one of them...
Today unlike usual I left a bit early from work, with tasks filled to the brim of my schedule and my mind as usual. There was something up with the transit which led me to walk across a really long bridge. Something went over me this very moment, and I thought
"I am stuck here walking across the bridge. I am delayed and would possibly miss almost all my chores which I never do even when the time permits, why not just exist tonight in this moment?"
I proceeded to do exactly that. End of story.
I wish it was that simple, every step I took the more uncertain I was; my thoughts raced. It felt like I forgot how to intentionally do a thing I do every single day -- exist. To try to just exist I first scanned my body, realized my pace is too heavy and fast to the point my fatigued legs and shoulders were actively screaming me to slow down, I listened to my own body and slowed which is something I seldom do. Now the bridge seemed even longer but still crossable.
Now my body relaxed my mind seemed to calm down as well, this is a new revelation for me but I understand why this happened. My mind has its way of thinking a lot to avoid discomfort, I had particularly noticed this when I wear shorts during winter. The more uncomfortable I feel from the cold the more my thoughts raise, which reduces my discomfort as I don't have any thoughts left to notice it. I never realized I have been doing this actively even when it is not cold.
My mind is still a distracted, I realized I was craving for something interesting in me around me, even in others passing me. I tried my best to turn my thoughts down, and realized something peculiar about my mind "It is not the distraction I had to avoid, instead the thought to avoid itself" it was not easy, being present seemed more difficult than I could ever imagine. Then I tried something, I put my head down and started noticing my foot. Every time I took a step I pushed the earth gracefully and went a bit further. Now my mind was one with my foot, but for some reason my mind slowly wandered toward my breath instead. By this time I am at half way into the bridge.
I have been a mouth breather for my entire life, but not at this moment. I closed my mouth and started breathing through my nose. Every breath was intentional, and I did not feel anything else. at this point my mind and body had become one. Each step lead to another, and each breath lead to an other. I can only describe the feeling I had as "grateful being alive, now".
It was time for the final demon, people. Specifically other people. I generally apologize whenever someone's path is interrupted by me, but not today! The bridge's footpath was big enough to accommodate traffic from both directions, which meant people can overtake me if they wish to. Here I am just walking like my human ancestors traversing the terrain by foot, only guided by the here and now. And out comes two humans from my side, walking faster than me going beyond. "Fools" I thought, as they did not realize the bliss I am in. But by the time I fished thinking the word they were far and beyond. The same thing happened again, two people walked beside me, and left. It struck me then, nobody cares if I walk or stop I don't have to apologize for not being fast, and finally I can let the society go beyond me...
That is if I choose to.
with love ~Tux